week in the life: disappointing yourself is a never-ending cycle

every day is a chance to do something new and embrace fun. this week, I finally feel like I am embracing the new kind of person that I want to be and the small moments I want to commemorate. I went to lunch with my friend, I made breakfast with my husband, I tried a new recipe, I created new outfit combinations, I made a lego vespa! without these things, this week would have been no different than the last, when I was feeling low and empty. but, romanticizing my life and embracing opportunities to do new things really helped me.

romanticizing has also helped me look forward to more mundane things. I'm excited to clean my house. I'm excited to try new recipes with my husband. I'm excited to post on this blog and remember my week and the moments that felt sparked joy in me. spending time with friends and getting out every day has also helped a lot.

this week has not been perfect. I didn't read, I didn't work out, I didn't cook much. I definitely did have a mental breakdown. there were a lot of things I hoped and planned to and aspired to that I still didn't do. but even just the few things that I did do helped me see what could be. I woke up early every day this week, and I am sorry to report that it did make me feel better. stepping away from my screen also helped a lot. it's hard to deny that-even though I would like to.

I do wish I had something more monumental to report - like that I'd started the podcast or taken footage for a vlog. I'm still looking forward to achieving those goals & I think that this time I'm not going to disappoint myself. disappointing myself is what has gotten me to this point. it's like I'm in a toxic relationship with me. I tell myself that I want to do something, that I will do something, and then I just don't. maybe life got in the way and I was busy, or maybe (more realistically) I got lazy. eventually, you stop trusting yourself. you stop believing in what you say. I'm tired of betraying myself like that. you have to be there for yourself before you can expect anyone else to be. I get upset at myself and it poisons my own self-image, and that toxicity leaks out into my relationships with others as well. one of the hardest things is realizing-truly realizing-that I am the only person who can show up for me.

you hear it all the time. it sounds so cheesy. I know it does. but I'm starting to realize that it might be a popular saying for a reason. I have the most supportive husband and friends. I have so many things that I dream of doing, but I don't do them. and it's not because of external forces but internal ones - I'm afraid, I'm lazy, I'm embarrassed, I think it's "cringe." all of those internal thoughts get in the way. they stop me from showing up for myself and for my dreams. at some point, I need to either get over these barriers or give up on my dreams.

so, I think it's time to get over it. like, that's really what I need to do. stop making excuses, stop giving in to the easy option. because the more I break these promises to myself, the worse I feel, and the more I can't trust my own word.

p.s. please see this photo of my dog's haircut. his little feet are bringing me the ultimate joy.